Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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