just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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