If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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