I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
