ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
