This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
