The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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