i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I will pee on everything he values.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize