I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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