Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
