My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
