So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
