Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
