Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
