Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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