His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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