How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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