I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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