Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
