How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
