I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
