did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
