I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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