I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
