Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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