and she was petting her beer can
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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