My liver just broke up with me...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
