How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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