I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
