He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
