Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
