Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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