Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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