I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
