why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
