I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
