I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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