Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize