Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
