And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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