Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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