It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize