Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
