Your face is a jimmy john
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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