Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
