Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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