I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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