4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
