Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
