and you said cock pushups were impossible
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
