Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
