Ambien. No doubt about it.
I can text with my tongue
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
