i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
