You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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