you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
