The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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